Out of these, I’m sure you can guess which is the most difficult. (and it’s not becoming an insomniac, I can tell you that.)

Dropping/changing your major can be a daunting experience, no matter what major you are coming from or going to. Coming from a music major, there are many people I have to get an ok from, speak to, make up excuses for, or explain some of my deepest feelings I never thought would be said out loud. And it stunk. Majorly. (No pun intended.)

Unfortunately, I didn’t feel as free as I expected afterward. I didn’t feel any different or relieved of a burden whatsoever. I felt like I had let a lot of people down. This feeling will probably change once the year gets going, but… I realized that I’m not going to have time to sit and feel relieved about anything or be so thankful for being able to switch my mind like this between the reading, homework, projects, and essays.

Maybe I won’t ever feel like I expected to, like I wanted to, but I realize I’m going to have to live with it. I realize that I could have made a huge mistake switching majors, but I’ve decided to say that I honestly don’t care. If something is supposed to happen, it will happen the way it’s supposed to. I will find my way back to music if I am meant to have it in my life. I sincerely believe this.

And for the first time in a long time, I feel… shiny. And before you think I’m on drugs, let me explain a little…

There’s this quote floating around that has a line saying that ‘if you don’t like your job, quit.’ So I did. To an extent. (I switched jobs, really, but who is getting technical? I did it.) And I feel shiny. Like my tarnish has come off and underneath I’m actually someone completely different. Like before the lines around me and who I was were fuzzy but now they’re there, crisp, clear, as though cut with a laser. So I’m shiny. Not relieved, not truly different. Just that myself is a little more focused and that I’m more focused on school itself. On my goals. On who it is that I want to be.

Many people have told me that heavy, personal reasons shouldn’t get in the way of choosing a major. This has never made sense to me. Excuse me? Choosing a major is ALL personal! It’s what you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life if you make a huge commitment while studying your major. You start by devoting 4 years of your life to it, and then more. Once you have 4 years gone, who would switch? It seems easy to just stick with it, despite your hate of the subject. So I don’t see the logic in that statement at all. I understand you can change later, but if you don’t like it now and want to do something else, I say go for it. Even if your reasons are personal, or political, or religious, just do it. Life is too short to dislike what you’re doing, but just long enough to right all of your mistakes:)

If anyone out there is reading this, I hope your day is a beautiful one and that someone brightens your day with a smile, a laugh, a hug.

Live, laugh, love.

X,
~L

All of the music majors are so much fun to hang out with and I feel like I have so much time (even though I’m quite busy). I’m so happy to be out of high school and living my life!! It feels fantastic to say I’m out on my own. I no longer have to worry about getting in trouble for staying out late (even though I’m normally in bed by 10… I have an early schedule).

Truth is, I’m exhausted. But I love it. Not sleeping is a small price to pay for learning about music all the time and living the life I have wanted to live for the past 6 years.

Dorm life is ok, when my roommate and I aren’t fighting. I’m quite ok with the food as well! Everyone told me it was nasty but I’m fine with it! Ha ha. Then again, I was always taught “eat what was put on your plate” so maybe I’m unconsciously trying to make the best of it.

I’m doing ok on the homesickness/I miss my friends issue. I’m not homesick, but I miss the automatic inclusion I had with my best friends. I am making new ones, but some of them seem to be… not my type. If you know what I mean. Our senses of humor don’t line up, and then someone says something to make it extremely awkward.

Oh and I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Saturday night.

Epicest. Movie. EVAR. Seriously. I loved it. Best movie I’ve seen in a while… and it’s much better than Avatar

Have a great week : ) Hugs! ~L

I definitely have a couple schedule conflicts, which is frustrating. I am supposed to work and when the office closes at 4, I need my afternoons open because all my classes have been scheduled for the morning. However, auditions for ensembles are tonight and most of the ensembles meet MWF in the afternoon. I think I will end up talking to an advisor to get advice and figure out what I’m doing. I may have to just be immensely stressed. But I still have a lot of time, actually… Or at least it seems that way.

I realize that I have an uber long list of things I forgot (I hate how you have to unpack everything to suddenly realize you forgot a ton of stuff) so I have to go to Target (YAY!) and buy a lot. I’m going to be poor by the time I’m done. Ha ha ha.

So far college life has been good. I’ve only been here since Tuesday and classes don’t start until tomorrow, but I think I will have an ok experience. Oh, AND I GOT A NEW BIKE! I am SO excited about my bike. I love it Whenever I see it I can’t help but smile.

Anywho, I’m off to go eat breakfast… Hugs, ~L

Every new beginning must first have an end. It gets hard when you have no ties from the old chapter. I know I can get through. It’s just hard when you went on this trip telling yourself you were going to make the most of five days and then it’s the last night you’re here. You realize everything moves so quickly and there is no time to sit and relax. These days were as relaxing as possible and with Disneyland thrown in they were really fun. But this is an end to everything. It’s a twisty tie on the end of high school. I think I’m allowed to be the least bit depressed.

We opted to give our flute teacher the gifts last night, and that made today quite depressing as well. The web of people I had throughout high school is no longer going to be there. ugh. I cant believe people get excited for this.

I know it’s short, but I’m still giving out huge hugs from Cali

A lot.

I look back upon this last year with disdain as it was filled with fear, pain, loneliness, and sadness. The past three months of my life have consisted mostly of happiness, with some days where I have failed to get out of bed and fill others’ lives with joy and happiness. But that is expected.

Yesterday I went to an amusement park with my friend and had a great day. We laughed the entire time, living the life of a child once more even though we were, undoubtedly, too large for the bouncy castle (much to my dismay), and too large for the shetland pony ride (much to her dismay). One point that stands out to me is the ferris wheel- it may not have been full size, but looking over the side, I felt nothing. No fear, no vertigo, no… nothing. It is as though my fear of heights dissipated in the past few months.

As well as my fear of spiders. I have killed more of those in the past month than in my entire life. Severe fear no more. I used to be paralyzed by the sight of those furry things… now I calmly pick up the nearest shoe, book, or other heavy item and smash it to kingdom come. Some say it’s cruel, but I say it’s… survival of the fittest.

And, it seems, my fear of pain. I used to hate shots when I was a child. I was the one that was flying fists and feet, having to be restrained by my parents only to head-butt the nurse and cause more than a couple nosebleeds. I would cause the nurses to tremble in my wake and children to fight their parents just as hard as I to stand with my cause. But it is now gone. I stood in my kitchen today looking at a bloody finger over my bowl of tuna, feeling the sting yet not the emotional sensation. It is one of the deepest cuts I have ever gotten (yes, from a can) and yet all I did was complacently wrap a papertowel around my finger and continue preparing my tuna salad. After, while loading the dishwasher, a knife found its way under one of my fingernails and ripped half of the skin away from the underside of my nail. And yet all I feel is the pain.

Before anyone thinks I’m a crazy, I will tell you, I am not a masochist! I feel pain, but it seems that I have no emotional tie to it any longer. In a way, this is what I wanted all along. What anyone could want. You feel the pain but are somehow numb to the emotionally-crippling part of it. You package that pain away in a little corner of your mind in a file cabinet with a locking drawer and forget.

Maybe I have become the rock I have always wanted to be. To be strong through anything, be the supporting beam, the strongest link that aids all of the weaker.

To some it may seem to be the calm before the storm. To others it may be sickness. And to me, it is peace.

Still hugs, ~L.

Throughout this summer (and this past year, during my all-nighter episodes) I found myself thinking of life ahead and what I’m doing now to help me in the future. Why am I doing this homework? What will it really do for me? What do I want to do? What college? What grade do I have in this or that class? Why am I bothering to spend so much time on something that could be so trivial? So many people die everyday. I wonder everyday if it would be me, if it could be me, that will die that day. Am I killing myself, working to death? Is every second I spend pent up in a tiny square room in front of my laptop ticking away my life? The life I could have spent loving, exploring, finding, traveling, living? I see my life how I want it– I want to get a doctorate in anthropology to teach at a college level. Go on digs. Learn about people. How they lived. How we got here. Hell, even learning about gnostic texts would be fascinating. I dream about this… it would be the perfect balance between discovering/traveling and having a true life that is “nailed down” for 9 months of the year (the school year).

The more I think about it, though, the more I question what dreams are truly worth. Everyone tells me “believe in your dreams” while they themselves watch their dreams pop before their very eyes, staring in disbelief. I ask you, how is this possible? There seem to be more obstacles standing in the way of one of my dreams than the amount of dreams I have. What are these dreams worth? Are they there for some higher being to pop and watch us as we despair over it? This past year, as some of you know, was an extremely trying time for me involving my family. At the same time, though, in music, it was the best year of my life. Will that always happen? Where to get what you want you must sacrifice heavily even though you do not realize it? That although people around you are the most affected by the sacrifice, it is truly you that is damaged in the long run? How can anyone design a world like this? It is sick. There is natural give and take in the world, but how could it be that drastic? That for every step you take, every hard-earned, glorious step, you must take 5 back in some other portion of life?

Movies drive me crazy in the sense that they allow peoples’ dreams to be achieved, but don’t show the full scale of sacrifice the person endured to get there. Some movies leave the sacrifice out completely. With things like that an integral part of life, why can’t they be more realistic? And how is it fair that someone gets to achieve their dreams because their parents have more money? How is it so? Everyone tells me the world isn’t fair, and I know that, but how can any world be designed in a way where it is easier to be who you are and completely ignore those around you? To ignore a cry of help? People look at me strangely when I tell them that my parents do not require me to get a job because I volunteer extensively. Why is this so unheard of? That being selfless is worth not having money? There are people that survive everyday without much money. But they are happy. And I must say that volunteering is the one true thing that makes me happy anymore. Everything else is about money. Pressure. Image. Failure. Being the best. Humans have a false sense about themselves, I must say. It is a truly humbling experience to volunteer with someone who loves everyone, unconditionally. While there are those that claim to volunteer because “they like it,” or “I like helping people,” you can choose to believe me (or not believe me) when I say that I love volunteering and I do it with all my heart. The people you meet are strong, mentally, emotionally… and they all bond together to create a community that helps people. When there are things like this, it makes me wonder how most people can be so selfish and self-consumed. You selfish people, how can the world help you when you don’t help others? How is it that you sit here enjoying what you call “simple pleasures” when people don’t even have that much?

I wake up after a night of thoughts on what I want to do, how I want the world to change, and then I realize that the world is a formidable place. Nothing will come true. Change will be slight. You might be able to be the change you want to see in the world, but that doesn’t mean people will follow. That doesn’t mean anything will happen. So I ask you: why is it worth it? Why do we work so hard when nothing will pay off? If you think it will pay off, in what way will it pay off? What sacrifices will you have to make? What sacrifices will you have to make just to be happy? And with all the sadness, death, hunger, thirst in the world, do we even have a right to be happy? Truly and justly?

I don’t think so.

What did you think? I like it. It seems a bit dark for my style, but every time I read it I find something new to dig up and take with me for the day. I am definitely keeping this one as a reminder of where I am coming from and where I need to go. There are so many things I want to do differently, so many things I would have done differently. But one cannot change the past, only look to the future.

Hugs…. ~L

Yet here I am. Going to complain.

I’m 18. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I don’t go looking for trouble. Yet my mother doesn’t give me a curfew and still expects me to read her mind and know to be “back at a decent time.” Hah. What exactly is “a decent time?” And since when could I read minds?

In a way, I feel like I can justify my action (staying out until 3:30 AM) with the fact that this is the last summer before college and most of my super-spectacular friends are going out of state. And they’re all 1000 miles away for the next 5 months!! I’m not making trouble. In fact, we were playing cards at a friend’s house.

I don’t understand why my mom can’t keep calm instead of flying off the handle. (anyone recognize the reference? …anyone?) (did anyone get that second reference? no? well, boo.) I wish she would just TELL ME she wanted me home by 12. Or 11. Or, goodness forbid, 10:30. Does it do either of us good when you feel the need to yell at me and enforce my punishment? I don’t think so.

I am not trying to say that none of it was my fault. Most of it was my fault. But does anyone else find it funny that something so big could have been prevented by one tiny little word or discussion?

Grr. There it is. My rant has finished. This grounding/loss of electronics/etc will be extra displeasing considering a friend I haven’t seen in a long while is supposed to get together with me today and now we can’t go.

You know what? Maybe people should know how to read minds. Seriously, it would make a lot of things easier. Parent/child relationships. War. Friendships. Love. Peace. Arriving at stop signs at the same time as someone else and both rolling forward as though you were to go and then not knowing who should actually have right of way. I know life isn’t easy, but does it have to be all hard?

Secondly. I had a super weird dream last night. I can’t remember how it began, but the part that really caught my attention was the fact that I was in a bathroom stall. With a guy. In the girls’ bathroom. And we were not talking. And then something happened where this other guy stuck his hand under the bottom of the stall and told us that it was time to leave, so we go outside. And apparently it really was “time to leave” because there’s a spaceship everyone is getting into and getting ready to leave in. I couldn’t find this one pair of shorts I wanted to take, and so I changed my mind about leaving and got into a car. The dream ended with me driving around in a car running from crazy people.

I have obviously been watching the X-Files too much. And Xena, too. Because I dream about being a k-a woman someday. I think being Xena for Halloween would be totally awesome… Only problem: I don’t know how I look in a pleather leotard just yet. And I’ve never seen brown pleather, so I’d either have to make it or enter weird/expensive shops to find it. And I wonder if my mom would ever let me dye my hair brown. Aaaaaand maybe get a spray tan? Which brings me to my next point.

I can’t tan. My arms get pretty tan in the summer, but only to an extent. My legs, however, are white as can be. And my face, too. My mom convinced me to try self-tanner and I was so white I was a shade darker after one application of the “gradual color.”

Fourthly, and really random, I would love to be an Amazon woman. Or really anyone who knows how to hunt with a bow and arrow and can survive in the wilderness. Is anyone else like that? Or is it just my weirdness showing through again?

Anyway, there’s a post about Xena that I never got around to editing and posting… So maybe I’ll do that later today even though It’s from a couple days ago. Hugs, ~L.

And when I say busy, I mean watching stuff on netflix. I found Xena the warrior princess and I loveeeee that show so much!!! I used to watch it when I lived in Michigan, and then I got out of it when I moved. All I remembered was that I loved Lucy Lawless and wanted to grow up to be like Xena. (I know, she lived in a time of gods and so that would be a bit difficult…) Now that I found the show online though, all those dreams have been awakened…

Of course my family makes fun of me. But I am so going to be Xena for Halloween this year. Because I’m awesome. And her outfit is k-a. And it’s been a secret dream of mine to sport leather armor and prance around on a horse…:D I wonder if someone would let me rent their horse for Halloween…

I’ve also been trying to spend time with friends that are going out of state for college. Most of my friends won’t be home until December, and I know I’ll miss all of them dearly, so I need to make memories now:)

I would also like to discuss college. I thought, in high school, that I could ‘achieve my dreams’ and ‘do all I wanted to do’ in college, but I realize now that may not be possible. I must admit I’m quite upset about it. Music has always taken up so much of my time and although I like it that way, there are more things I want to do. I wanted to double major but somehow my school decided to switch my major to flute performance only. I suppose I could wait to take other classes, but I don’t want to be stuck in school forever. I want to go see the world and experience things. Help people.

Because I can’t do anything about it, I need to stop complaining. That’s my July resolution. Complain less.